There are government programs a-plenty to help those in need. Created to right wrongs in society and protect and help the little guy in America, they're often a way of making up for inequities that the law doesn't cover. And today these programs are coming out of government in clubs, hearts and diamonds.  But despite the law and these many safety nets, today I'm feeling a little like Dorothy at the moment the witch appears in the crystal ball and mocks her.

Now, I've read that Frank Baum filled the Wizard of Oz with representations of economic and political elements in the Populist Party view of America in the late 1800's. The heartless industrial workers, brainless farmers, cowardly investors and so on. Everything represents something. East, west, the water that destroys the witch, even the name “Oz” represents the ounce measurement of coinage. America's banks and lenders who regularly destroyed the brainless little guys were represented by the villainous wicked witches.

In my own search for a place where troubles melt like lemon drops, I've found that the yellow brick road has been paved over in pastels. And in following it, I've lost my way somewhere between the talking trees and the poppy fields.

When a member of A&B Mortgage Brokers of Munchkin City forged my name to a mortgage, the DA was found to be too bogged down in his workload. And so, negotiating with the broker's attorney David Lane, he settled on securing a guilty plea. But not for all eight forgeries. Only one forgery. And which of the eight, they weren't saying.

Now, despite the starkly infantile attempts to copy my signature, the Emerald Title Company (Land America) filed, insured and passed the forgeries on to the Wicked Witch of Mortgage Fraud, Argent Mortgage Co, who has paid out hundreds of millions in recent judgments. Argent paid off the old witch, and then ignored the forgery allegations since I was still making payments. Then, to my utter surprise, they sold it to the Wicked Witch of Delaware, DLJ Capital, who had her flying monkeys at Select Portfolio Servicing continue the policy of ignoring me. Now it became even more important to get a forgery conviction, and my return to Kansas (literally) for work got delayed.

When I stopped making payments, they stopped ignoring me and began running plays from the Guidebook for Wicked Flying Monkeys. Obviously the forgeries didn't represent the terms I had originally wanted, but they tried to convince me to sign them anyway. Well, I may have just crashed in a house, but I didn't just fall off the turnip truck! "Thanks, but no thanks."

And so they offered new terms. But monkeys can talk really fast, and I had to ask them to repeat themselves many times before I realized that they were really offering to only slightly change the terms. And in the mean time, they sent faxes to the DA declaring that they themselves believed the documents were forged. With these declarations the DA had his case, and the coroner declared the defense dead. Well, actually he declared it officially limping on a bunion. But monkeys never quit.

Amid my requests that the flying monkeys convert the loan to the originally intended terms, or take all and leave me free and clear, they offered to give me a ride on a horse of a different color, by re-qualifying me for a new loan. But the ride was very short. You see, the monkeys' negative reporting on my credit now disqualified me for the loan they were offering. And any other monkey's offering for that matter. I simply didn't have a banana to give them.

The guilty plea seemed to mean nothing to them. And they flipped the foreclosure hour glass over three times trying to force me to hand over the ruby slippers. The Good Colorado Attorney General of the North got wind of my predicament and took it upon himself to convince the Wicked Witch to let me and others, keep our ruby slippers. But monkeys always lie, and they told him that they and I were already working things out amicably. And then they sent the Good AG a letter, with a copy to me, admitting the forgeries again, but asking the AG to convince me to submit to their processes. Whoa! According to the laws of the Emerald City, using government agencies to influence consumers is a big no no. But it turned out to be no big deal. The Good AG didn't really notice.

Following the monkeys' own practice, I decided to record a phone conversation with the head legal monkey, who boldly stated that the AG had specifically declared to him that he had been given the authority to negotiate terms on my behalf. This I doubted very much because the AG's website states as big as skywriting that “The Attorney General does NOT have the authority to represent individual residents or consumers.” Now, either the AG or the monkey was lying. But monkeys always lie. And the AG, even though aware of this monkey business, is really too busy calling monkeys to deal with violations of the law. So nothing happened.

Finances being what they are, I started looking into the law myself, and decided to take up my axe and answer with my own suit that would require the wicked witches to show cause why the documents should not be declared invalid. However, I rusted solid in the procedures, proving only that the note was forged. The deed of trust still stood and the witches prevailed.

Predicaments demand that one looks at his options and take the best road. Now I've tried, and I've failed. If I had her crystal ball, I may have done things differently. But like Dorothy, I've had to learn things for myself. And in doing so, I've found that the brick road is winding and often forks. The wicked witch has developed an immunity to water, and in court, her midget dances around and slaps you silly with a lollipop. First they took my legs off and they threw them over there! Then they took my chest out and they threw it over there! That's what happens to nobodies who refuse to be led down dark paths and dares to stand up to the spell casting mistress of the land.

And the wizard, well, I don't think President Obama has anything in his black bag for me. And his quick getaway balloon is only built for one. So, no amount of heel clicking is going to keep me in my home. The foreclosure goes through. Now homeless, jobless, deeply in debt and with huge stains on my credit, I can't come back! I don't know how it works! I'm just going to do my part in keeping the economy going by paying an attorney to file my bankruptcy. Good-bye folks!